Something Sweet with Susan

There are no words to describe my feelings while driving home after hearing the doctor say, “All of your symptoms present as Parkinson’s.”  I literally sat in my living room and stared into space from noon until evening, when Greg arrived home from his golf trip.  I can only describe the feeling as being in shock and totally numb.  This news was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to tell my husband.  Just like me, he could not believe what he was hearing.   I immediately said, “You have to promise me you won’t tell anyone!”  My life had just gotten to the point where I could go places and not be asked about the details of my heart attack.  I did not want to be identified by sickness, viewed as fragile, or lesser in any way. 

The next morning brought on a new set of feelings for both of us.  I had an appointment with my PCP that morning, and on the way to his office my mind started racing to thoughts of:  

What do I want to do that I’ve never done?

Where do I want to go that I’ve not been?  

How long will I be able to walk unassisted?  

And on, and on and on.

I had not cried until Dr. M. walked in the exam room and I could no longer hold back the tears.  He had already read the report my neurologist sent him from the day before, and he was just as shocked as me.  I told him I thought I’d go skydiving.  We both laughed, he agreed and said I should.  Boy, would Greg flip over that idea!  Since my heart attack, he would have me living in a bubble of protection if he could.

Later that same day, I met with my personal trainer and again I broke down into tears.  It was my day to cry.  I had not planned to tell anyone about my suspected diagnosis.  My face does not know an inside voice; therefore, my thoughts and feelings are easily read by those who really know me.  We did keep the news to ourselves, for several months, with the exception of a few very close friends.

Not only was it my day to cry, it was my husband’s as well.  Greg is a wonderful landscaper and working in the yard is his therapy.  Arriving home from the gym, I stopped my car in the driveway and laughed out loud.  The freeze from the previous winter had almost killed the majority of our shrubbery.  Greg decided to cut back all the dead parts, and wait to see what would come back out before replacing everything.  The pictures below show the results of his “therapy.”  The three holly trees in front of our house looked like tall chia plants – LOL.  I asked him if he took his frustrations out on the trees.  He said, “Yes.  I cried. I yelled. I kicked. I cursed.”  All those feelings were taken out on the shrubbery.  Dinner time that evening brought on more tears by both of us and dinner ended up in the trash.  

I’m here to tell you, IT’S OK!  Sometimes you just need to cry.  Go ahead, get it out, experience all the feelings that come with a diagnosis like PD.  Every person with PD has their own unique symptoms and trials.  I’ve heard it said, “If you’ve known one person with Parkinson’s, you’ve known one person with Parkinson’s.”  It is an individual disease.  There is no place we can go to learn what our progression will look like.  That’s hard to accept, for those of us who want answers for everything.  I believe there is a period of grieving that is very normal during those early months after diagnosis.  We have to grieve the bad things in life, before we can move on to acceptance.

The worst thing you can do is get stuck in negative feelings.  PD is a progressive disease.  The day you hear you have it, your symptoms are most likely no worse than the day before.  Personally, I accepted that my future will probably look different than I ever imagined.  In spite of my tremors, rigidity and fatigue, life right now is not so bad.   I look at others around me and see that life could be much worse. I decided to live my best life each day that God gives me, and I refuse to worry about a future that may never come to be.  I can say for certain, sometimes crying is necessary, but life sure is better when you can find a way to share laughter every day. 

“She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.”
Proverbs 31:25

I hope the pictures make you laugh today. I’m happy to say all 3 the trees survived.  

It was requested that I show how these trees survived. When I look at them, I am reminded of the quote: “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”