Something Sweet with Susan

People have been asking me, “Have you quit writing? Are you still posting on your blog?” The answer is no. There just hasn’t been anything to write about. Life has been fairly normal lately without feeling those lemons constantly coming at me.

I’ve really been in a weird headspace for quite a while relating to my health. There was an unexpected TIA, aka mini-stroke, in December. That’s something I normally would have written about, but honestly, I didn’t have the energy to put another health issue out there for everybody to know about. This was the point where I finally got angry over having health issues.

The TIA, of course, had Greg taking me to the ER… AGAIN. That turned into an overnight stay, as does every ER visit for me. It seems their computer screen must have a line item under my name saying, “Admit this one!” In actuality, I’m thankful the providers keep such a watchful eye on me. I’ve been very blessed with the healthcare providers in my community.

January and February were filled with doctor visits and a number of cardiovascular tests. The good news is they did not find the cause of the TIA. It’s also the bad news. Apparently, this is not uncommon with TIAs.

We love to travel to warm destinations during the winter months, and we had trips scheduled for both January and February — one to Belize and one to Mexico. This is not the first time you’ve heard me say I love my cardiologist. He insisted we not cancel these trips. After confirming I did not have a hole in my heart (sometimes a cause of a TIA), Greg and I left the second week of January for Belize.

Knowing there would be very limited healthcare available where we were staying did not exactly bring confidence. It certainly wasn’t the same feeling as flying down to Florida for a relaxing week at the beach. I had to dig deep into my faith and had many talks with God to be able to relax and enjoy the trip.

March brought an early Spring in Tennessee and more rounds of golf than I’ve ever played that early in the season. Overall, life is good.

At some point between the TIA and March is when my thoughts drifted into this weird headspace I mentioned earlier. To say I was “over it” with continual health issues coming at me is an understatement. If I don’t talk about it and don’t write about it, maybe it will all go away.

My involvement with the Parkinson’s community and learning about new research has made it all feel very real. Yes, I have tremors in my left hand and arm. My meds keep them pretty well under control with the exception of breakthrough tremors as one dose wears off and the next kicks in.

Can I hide it? Yes, absolutely. Almost no one would ever see my tremor or suspect I have Parkinson’s.

Do I feel it? Yes, absolutely.

It is a nuisance and very annoying. Talking about it makes it real. It’s not going away. It’s a progressive disease. Thinking about where it may take me in the future has sometimes been too much. Trying to understand these feelings has gotten me nowhere. For now, it seems it is what it is, as the saying goes.

There’s something called the seven stages of grief. I can’t exactly explain this “headspace thing” I’m calling it. Maybe I’ve been grieving the loss of my good health. Maybe it’s anger. Or maybe it’s just enjoying life and living in denial for a while.

But this one thing I do know… if life gives you lemons, you have a choice. You can make lemonade, or you can throw those lemons as hard and as far as you can. After that, you stand tall, thank God for your blessings, put your big girl britches on, and get on with your day.

”I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33